I read an article, recently, about Olivia de Havilland's relationship with her sister, Joan Fontaine. From the information in the article, it would seem that the sisters were frequently at odds with each other to the point of going many years without speaking with each other, and, in fact, had been at odds since childhood. Each side had their own version of the hurts the other had caused and felt they were justified in their hurt. The recent article was from an interview with Ms. de Havilland, who turned 100 years old earlier this year. Ms. de Havilland mentioned an estrangement between them that did not change in the last years of her sister's life. Ms. Fontaine, who was 1 year younger than her sister, passed away in 2013 at 96 years old.
Let the sadness of this sink in for a moment. If these sisters were truly at odds with each other from childhood, their hurts impacted their lives for almost 90 years. Imagine all that was lost or all that could have been gained had there been a true reconciliation and forgiveness from each, for each. Imagine the impact this had on their families' lives. Each sister probably had what they thought were valid reasons to hold onto their hurts and not to extend forgiveness.
Life hurts. Whether the hurt comes from a loved one, a friend or a stranger, it is no less a hurt. Some hurts are so big, we don't know how we can move beyond it. We can't even think about, and won't even think about, forgiving. "They don't deserve it and never will!" is the thinking that often keeps us chained to the hurt.
The biggest problem with holding onto a hurt, is that we are the ones who are mostly likely to be damaged by it. The longer we hold onto it, the more of "a hold" it has on our lives. It begins to affect our outlook, our everyday life, our mental health, and our physical health.
Another big problem with holding onto a hurt is that it also begins to affect our loved ones' lives. There are families so estranged by the hurt between two family members, that all contact is lost among the family members. In many cases, no one really knows what the estrangement is about. In some cases, the reason is remembered and repeated throughout the generations, lest the reason "to hold the hurt" is forgotten.
Maybe it's time to forgive.
When we forgive someone else for hurting us, we are not saying we are "ok with" or accepting of what they did. We are also not saying that we'll act like it never happened. A true hurt is never really forgotten, but true forgiveness will enable the person to move beyond the hurt and break free of those chains holding them to the hurt.
Extending forgiveness is one of the hardest things there is to do in life. In many situations, we can't do it on our own. There is a line from Matthew West's song, Forgiveness, that says "It's the opposite of how you feel, when the pain they caused is just too real, it takes everything you have just to say the word...Forgiveness." He goes on to say that when you forgive "It'll clear the bitterness away, it can even set a prisoner free; There is no end to what it's power can do. So, let it go and be amazed, by what you see through the eyes of grace, the prisoner that it really frees, is you."
Holding onto a hurt keeps you a prisoner. Forgiveness sets you free.
Do you want to be free? Are you having a hard time forgiving? Tell Jesus about it. Ask him to help you forgive. He will give you the grace to do what seems to be impossible.
How long will you hold onto your hurt? How long will it keep you from all that could be in your life? I'm not sure that the de Havilland sisters intended to hold onto their hurts for almost 90 years, but they did. So much time lost.
If you'd like to hear the incredible story behind Matthew West's song, Forgiveness, I've provided a link, here. It's a story about someone who had every right to hold onto their hurt and did, for a period of time, but they chose to forgive.
Don't let a hurt keep you prisoner one day longer than it already has.
Forgive. Be set free.
